The Fellrunners alternate lexicon offers a hint at the real meaning behind some of the words we use so glibly. Found in the back of a Ford Anglia in 1974, it is reputed to be several centuries old and could be the work of a fell running monk.

(This page is not meant to be taken seriously or personally. Please contact your features editor to add content)

Ascent

Fell running tends to involve plenty of this. Usually you can spot the ascent 15 miles from the start as you travel to the race by car. Any normal person would turn around here.

Bog

Mud so thick that it comes up to your waist, usually occurs in conjunction with clag.

Clag

Low cloud, so thick people can only see your legs.

Compass

When used in connection with a map. This device will always point the opposite way from your gut feeling. Put this down to magnetic declination and hare off after anyone else in a vest.

Cramp

Pronounced ‘Aaaaaaarggghhhhh’ The horrible, teeth clenching gut wrenching, nerve shredding spasm of cramp is the bodies way of telling you to slow down a bit.

Charles Barlow

One of the few remaining characters in Saddleworth Runners. The Nick-name ‘Barmy Charlie’ did not come by accident, though it’s probably the only accident never to have impacted on him

Descent

A -sometimes- controlled plummet involving the close co-ordination of hands, legs, buttocks and even feet on the rare occasions a runner is facing the right way. Soft terrain and a runners innate density generally preserves the athlete from injury.

Hill reps

A course of training involving running up hill at intervals…..length of time between intervals should be less than one calender year to exact highest benefit.

Handicap race

The rules of a handicap race are much too complicated to go into here however to give a brief synopsis…..Firstly the handicapper places a magic stone in each pocket. He then rolls two dice, one red and one blue. If it is a tuesday and your name begins with a letter in the first half of the alphabet then he will look up your star sign and divide the number of letters of your parents names by 3. 4132 This give him a starting point. He then places a chicken in his hat……….

Turks heads

Thick tussock – the only thing that will grow in a bog. Usually found in conjunction with clag and bog.

High peak marathon

Clag, bog and frozen turks head for 40 miles.

Injury

Finding yourself sat on a bench with 11 others.

Lactate threshold

Where the Milkman leaves your daily pint.

Map

Piece of paper issued before a race. Generally accepted along with a compass to be part of an antique belief system aimed at pacifying the ‘gods’ and gifting safe passage.It is bad form to turn one down. Maps can last for years if kept in the right environment – fold them carefully and place in the lining of a bum bag.

Mountain marathon

The closest you can legally get to someone without having to marry them.

Navigation

Getting to the finish without knowing where you’ve been or…… …..the gentle art of following someone slightly quicker than yourself. Hoping to god that they know where they’re going. This works well in theory although in practice if the race leader doesn’t know the route then you’re all doomed.

Nutrition

The scientifically proven recovery package for all your fell race needs is contained in a Pint of bitter and a packet of dry roasted peanuts…..not to be confused with2 pints lager and a packet of crisps….which is a song by sploginessabounds

Pre-race nerves

In order to ascertain the fitness of rivals before a race. It is common practice to ask ‘How are you running’? Generally speaking the closer the runner admits to being to imminent demise the better he or she will run. ie….Yeah! I’m ok although I had my leg off last week and I think I could have contracted plague. This person will probably win.

Relay

The best way to spend 3 or 4 hours milling around in a layby. See also Dogging

Running club

Loose collection of individuals who mask their alcoholism by wearing garish lycra and stretching in public between bouts with bacchus.

Stitch

A stitch in the side when running is the bodies way of telling you to slow down a bit less.

Speed Work

Anything quicker than a jog.

Stretching

Something that you have seen other people do. Best attempted in a half hearted fashion before going for nutrition….see nutrition.

Training

The best way to fill time between injuries.